My Golf Cart


Picking Up the Smokeshow Cart Girl

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We have all been there. You’re out with your buddies playing a seemingly rudimentary 9 or 18 and then everything changes due to one factor - a smoking hot cart girl.

Anyone can spot a beauty, but not many can close. I have had several run-ins with the cart girl over my years of playing golf. Some successes, but even more embarrassing failures.

I’m not here to talk about my resume of trying to pick up the unicorn known as the cart girl, but I am here to give you the highly secretive and sought after “Dos and Don’ts” list of handling a interaction with one.

Keep in mind this is a working list and can and will be edited over time as women change.

DO: Call the cart girl by her name. Half of the battle of “blind” talking to a cart girl is getting her name. Statistics show that using a person’s name in conversation shows you are genuinely interested in them. Use your surroundings, check for a name tag, or simply be cordial and introduce yourself.

DON’T: Drag on the initial conversation for too long. In the overarching attempt to get a date, patience is key. Get in and get out, swiftly and pointedly. Too long of an initial convo and you come off as trying too hard, too short and you’re not memorable. Think of it as roasting a marshmallow - if you stay in too long it will burst in flames, but if you are too cautious you midas whale have just pulled it out of the bag.

DO: Order a normal drink. A classic Bud Light or Nordeast should do the trick in saying “Ya I like to party, but I’m not a dbag”. If you are a hard drinker stick with the whisky waters, or vodka waters. Trust me, you will be headsplitingly dehydrated if you go hard liquor and pop the whole round.

DON’T: Order a craft beer or Johnnie Walker: No one likes “that guy” at the course that requests the high end alcoholic drinks. Don’t get me wrong I love a craft beer, but on the course you stick with the basics and don’t try to impress with your alcohol selections.

DO: Work as a unit. This is HUGE. Designate roles to each team member in attempt to create a team that can win you the championship. You want your team to prop you up, while not making you come off like a totally narsh. You don’t want your crew coming over and immediately dropping a line about how your flop shot was Phil-like, or how that last drive had to be over 300. Chances are she won’t know what you’re saying, and honestly she won’t care.

DON’T: Fight each other over who is going to be the “point man”. You have to know that getting a date with the cart girl requires a team effort. Pick a “point man” to run the offense and the rest of your squad can take on the rolls of Pippen, Rodman, and Brown.

DO: Make the second time she comes around count. On average you will see the golf cart girl 2-3 times in a round. Your job is to set the tone the first time you see her and then close the deal the second time.

Some closing tips include:

DO: Immediately say “Hi ______” when she approaches your group, it will show you remember her name and have taken interest in her.

DO: Ask her out in a creative way, this is pure feel, and I can’t help you with that.

DO: Know if it is going south, if so, end your pursuit, or you will be that “annoying guy” she tells her friends about later.

DON’T: Forget her name, if you do, let’s be honest your either if it for the wrong reason, or you are blackout drunk and will do more harm in trying to close, then just packing it up and givin’r another go another day.

DON’T: Tip her vastly more than you would a normal server. If she likes you because you tip more, chances are she ain’t a keeper anyway.

DON’T: Bitch out. Be a man. Go for it. Confidence is sexy, so I hear, so have it. You will either fall flat on your face and end up like Dustin Johnson on the back nine on Sunday, or ride off in the sunset with the trophy like Tiger winning 13 of 14 majors when leading after 36.

I hope this list helps your pursuit of the elusive cart girl. Have a great story of your pick-up attempt? Feel free to comment below.

~ Joe Hau

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