Things Only Golf Hardos Could Possibly Say
There’s nothing like a good bit of trolling, just ask @TheRealJakeKoch. Just this week, the Star Tribune published an article here on why the game of golf is dying and what the industry can do to revive itself. The author hit on the usual critiques - golf takes too long, is too expensive and isn’t socially appealing to younger generations.
Regardless of whether you agree or disagree, the guys at Swannies HQ (aka our current apartment - think less glorious Pied Piper set-up via Erlich Bachman) sifted through some of the seemingly ‘thoughtful’ and ‘legitimate’ comments from real Minnesota golfers. Without further ado, we’d like to present the best of the best.. or the worst of the worst:
A 69 year old pickle baller?! According to the Health Status calorie counter: A person who weighs between 150-200 pounds, will burn between 2,000 to 2,700 calories by walking an 18-hole golf course. So, according to riverbirch’s logic, he/she is burning 200,000 - 270,000 calories five days a week. Legend.
Isssss that right?
Tomzzz (and the five outrageous people that liked this comment) seems like the guy who so badly wants to be cool, but gal dangit and gee whiz he just doesn’t know how. Seriously though, you might need a time machine to understand the nomenclature and sports references used - ‘power boating’? ‘A good micro brew’? It’s not the 1990’s anymore, bud. But hey, he outdoes himself by name dropping the two most prolific offenses on the MN sports scene - Gophers football and Twins baseball. And then for good measure why not toss out the casual broadway show tickets we all buy as frequently as we play golf. If I combined the number of times I did tomzzz’s proposed other activities in a year I might get to 10 (excluding a good micro brew because I don’t know what that is). I hate golf, but I’m playing it at least that many times in any given calendar year - especially if I’M READING AND COMMENTING ON A GOLF ARTICLE TOM! Know your audience.
(The author would like to note for full disclosure and transparency that he went as Zombie Mitch Leidner to the 2015 Zombie Pub Crawl)
I see his point. That small hole can take a long time to get into, if you’re ever even able to get it in! A wider, larger hole would certainly make things faster and easier, but probably less hard.
It’d be pretty adventurous if this ‘option’ hadn’t been invented already and existed all over the US. They’re called executive courses.
Pretty sure these are the only people left keeping the Star Tribune afloat.
As for improving the game? Here’s our hot take solutions:
- Threesomes and foursomes just don’t cut it anymore. You need at least sixsomes, or eightsomes to have a good time. The more friends the better.
- Putt from the rough once in awhile. Or the bunker. The Texas Wedge is never a bad idea and can improve game speed, enjoyment, and make for juicy side bets.
- Let spectators on the PGA Tour and in any tournament talk and yell as much as they want.
- PLAY FASTER. If I have to watch another guy take three practice swings, Sergio Garcia waggle it AND THEN proceed to slice it into the adjoining fairway I’m going to lose it.
- Night putting with the daughter of the Dean.
- Tournaments that allow kegs, DJs, and good ole tomfoolery. Make golf fun again.
~ Matt Stang
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