Whether you’ve been playing in a men’s league for 1 day or 10 years, you’ve definitely come across at least a few of these goons.
Every club has one, and after years of caddying at my local club, I’ve seen a few. From sleeping in the cart barn, to puking in the bunker on 17, this guy still thinks he is in college. Odds are he came from work happy hour and his first move after throwing his bag down at his caddy’s feet is to run to the bar to keep the buzz going. Keep in mind, this guy drove here, which he definitely shouldn’t have done ‘cause he left a war path behind him on the way in. 7 downed telephone poles, 4 crushed stop signs, and 2 squirrels steamrolled. He hired an intern just to blow into his DUI ignition interlock system and then tips the caddie an extra $5 to blow in it on the way home. Someone needs to stop this man.
His failed semi-pro hockey career has left him hollow and empty on the inside. Unhappily married, a dead end job, this guy HAS to have something to live for, and you know what it is? Demolishing guys like me in Tuesday night men’s league. I’ve accepted the fact I’m not any good at golf and I don’t take it seriously anymore, but this guy…. this guy rolls out of the bed in the morning motivated by the thought of burying his opponent each and every week. Mid-round, he describes to you what happened after every single one of his shots. Now keep in mind, he will never tell you what he’s about to do before his shots, ONLY AFTER. This is because he doesn’t know what’s about to happen, but can always talk his way through a shot after.
Hit it in the water? It’s because he had a horrible lie and that was the best he could do.
Come up a bit short? It’s ‘cause he was in between clubs and didn’t want to club down and hit it over, it’s always best to play up at this pin anyway, man!
Thin one and get away with it? He was just playing a low trap draw!
I’ve had better conversations with a plastic bag. This guy seriously just appears on the first tee, you don’t see him come, you don’t see him go, you don’t hear him, you don’t see him. He’s talked about as a mythical creature around the club because no one has any idea who the eff he is. Part Jeffrey Dahmer, part Steve Glansberg, this guy scares the piss out of me. In all fairness he could be a nice dude who is just misunderstood, but at least give us a chance to socialize with you, man, we’re there to have some fun, you should be as well.
The Life of the Party
Now please don’t get him mixed up with The Drunk. The Drunk is someone you don’t want to be around cause he will verbally abuse the cart girl, The Life of the Party is someone you do want to be around, ‘cause he will buy your first round of drinks and tip the cart girl generously in a non-creepy way. Life of the Party is absolutely brutal at golf, but he doesn’t care and either do you. He ends up picking up his ball on half the holes and taking his stroke adjusted triple bogey. He’s a free victory to anyone he plays and couldn’t care less, ‘cause making everyone laugh and bringing them together is his main goal. My only gripe about this guy is his constant singing from green to tee. We don’t need to hear you reach down deep and try to crush anymore Creed songs. But we will let it slide if he keeps up the comic relief.
Tell us about your experience with these guys in the Hot Takes below!