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The 7 Guys all Caddies Have Looped For

Desperately Trying to Stay Relevant Guy:

You can hear him before you see him, which is surprising considering he’s head to toe in the 2012 Neon Orange Rickie Fowler special. He stumbles his way to the caddie shack, peeks in the door, gives you that goony ass smile and drops, “BROS! Who wants to loop and slam some crispy, cold brewskis!?!” Hesitantly you raise your hand cause you know he pays well, and lets you “slam some crispy, cold brewskis" on the course (thank god he does, cause no one could be around this guy sober, including his wife who’s been hanging with the cart barn kids the last 3 months…. but thats a different story)  

Likely to be named: Thumper, Blaze, Bomber. (All self-proclaimed nicknames. Real name is Robert or Gus)

Favorite Sayings: “Pounded that one like my wife last night!” “How the ladies treating you?!?” “Just picked up this sick new puma shirt!” 

 

The Buys a New Driver Every Week Guy

Yearly golf budget:
Member Dues - $8,000
New Drivers - $2,500
New Irons - $7,500
New Wedges - $600
New Putters - $1,500
Lessons - $0

This guy will try literally ANYTHING to get his game on track……. Except for lessons. The god-awful swing, and general lack of athleticism, have NOTHING to do with his 15 handicap, its gotta be the clubs! If each new driver he bought added the promised “15 more yards” the guy would have put a few balls on the moon by now. It’s the Indian, not the arrow, my man.

Favorite Sayings: “This new driver just doesn’t feel right!” “These new irons just don't feel right!” “These new wedges just don’t feel right!” "“This new putter just doesn’t feel right!”
 
The Ego Handicapper

Mizuno blades, TP driver, custom stamped wedges, and a $900 Scotty in the bag. He wants nothing more than to be accepted by the club’s scratch golfer clan, but it aint happening. I hate to break it to you bud, but your 73 from 5800 yards at your local Muni isn’t the same as Smylie’s 73 at Oakmont, and your win on the Golf Week Am Tour isn’t going to get you qualified for the US Open anytime soon. Hangup the blades, grab some cavity backs, and have fun out there, you aren’t on tour.

Favorite Sayings: “I’m gonna try to flight this one” “Definitely going to play a trap draw into that back left pin” “85% of amateurs miss low side”
 
The Cart Bag Guy

This guy rolls up to the club house and wonders why all the caddies run away and hide. Poor little Timmy always ends up getting stuck carrying this guy’s bag that’s twice his size. If the cart bag isn’t enough, this asshole has 40 golf balls, 3 rain jackets and a weighted warm up club in the bag. The cart bag guy is also notorious for tipping like shit. My advice: buy a lighter bag or go kick rocks, no one wants to caddy for you.

Favorite Sayings: “Sorry, I think I may have an extra jacket or two in there” “When I was your age we only got paid 25 cents!” 
 
 
The Sand Bagger

If you caddy for this clown during the week he might be lucky to break 100, then all the sudden when tournament time comes around this guy looks like pre sex scandal Tiger Woods out there. While this guy is a total scumbag, you might get a nice pay day looping tournaments with him. Don’t listen to your parents kids, everyone knows that if you aint cheatin’, you aint trying’.

Favorite Sayings: “There are so many damn sandbaggers at this club” “Par for a net birdie” “Birdie for a net eagle” “Why do the rest of the guys not like me?” 
 
The Dialtone

For some people, golf is a game that should be played alone. This guy is a fantastic accountant, but his doctor recommended he pick up golf for some exercise to get away from his miserable life looking at numbers. He decides to take a caddy out with him because it’s a beautiful day to walk four hours without saying one damn word. By the end of the day the caddy is talking to a tree to feel some sense of interaction. Buddy, go take a cart if it’s more entertaining to watch the grass grow than caddy for you.


Favorite Sayings: "What's your name" "My wife and I just planted a new garden" "My son just passed his CPA Test"



The 16 Year Old Adult

This guy is my personal favorite loop. Every course has that guy who is in his mid 40s, making a shit ton of money, but acts like he’s at his first high school party every day on the course. Whether it is shotgunning beers at the tee box, packing fat chews or pissing in the sand trap, this guy is a savage. He is most likely horrible at golf and you will be chasing his ball all over the course, but his wisdom of how to wheel chicks and bong a beer makes it worthwhile. Maybe he will even let you join in on a celebratory shot gun for that triple bogey last hole.

Favorite Sayings: “Toss me the tin, would ya?” “You’re cart caddying today” “Hit a few shots for me, I’m gonna send some snapchats"

Written By: Mike Hau and Drew Cook

42 comments

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