Top Challenges Facing the US Men’s Olympic Golf Team
US Golf has finally convinced four idiots to go to Rio, and the Olympic men’s golf roster is all set. Matt Kuchar, Patrick Reed, Rickie Fowler, and Bubba Watson, come on down. You’ve won an all-expenses paid trip to Rio de Janeiro, the Detroit of South America.
These Olympics are going to be so special for this group of guys. Not only will they be the first four men to compete for the United States in Olympic golf since like 1900, they will also be among the first US Olympians to compete while actively fearing for their lives.
Anyway, I researched the upcoming Olympics extensively for 10 minutes and here is the definitive list of hurdles that the US Men’s team will have to overcome.
3) The Competition
This is the Olympics people. The very best athletes in the world compete in this quadrennial celebration of global unity, and the US has to bring their A-game if they want to bring home the gold. Australia boasts a terrifying threesome of Jason Day, Adam Scott and Marc Leishman. South Africa will be competitive with Charl Schwarzel, Louis Ootsthuizen and Brendan Grace. And we can’t count out Northern Ireland, with Rory McIlroy and Graeme McDowell. Losing Jordan Speith and Dustin Johnson was tough, so our boys really have to step up.
Wait…..what’s that? Every single player I just listed back there withdrew because they’re too scared to go?
Dang, never mind. This’ll be a cakewalk, I should have probably taken this one off the list.
This is an actual threat that people are actually concerned about, because Rio is poor as hell, and therefore has a ton of organized or semi-organized crime (hence, Detroit). Now I don’t know how rough Brazilian gangs are, because they don’t exactly jump out in your mind when you think of scary underworld shit. What I do know is that any city that can’t control its own gangs should probably not host a the Olympics.........
This is the biggest no-brainer of all time. The one thing everyone is talking about, and the biggest reason almost all the top players decided to skip the Olympics.
You know what I’d love to see? The odds of winning Olympic gold compared to the odds of contracting zika. I’m not a statistician nor am I a microbiologist, but I do have two eyes and a brain, and all three are taking zika ten times out of ten in that bet. What do you think is more likely to happen to you, you win 1st place IN THE WORLD at a sport that you and everyone else has trained their entire life for---or you get bitten by a mosquito?
And it’s not just the mosquitoes that the athletes have to worry about. Zika is also an STD now apparently. Everyone has heard the stories of all the sex that happens in the Olympic village. Sounds to my like a zika virus’ wet dream (To be fair, aside from Rickie, none of the golfers we’re sending are, or have the potential to be, prolific slayers, so it may be a non-issue. I just really wanted to include something about the copious amounts of sex that happens at the Olympics).
I did in fact spend 4 minutes of my life watching a video on how to protect yourself from contracting Zika, and I have made this handy-dandy bullet list to summarize what the video said:
- Don’t got to Brazil
- If you do go to Brazil, a tropical country, in the summer, wear long sleeves
- Wear bug spray
- Wear a condom
Groundbreaking stuff from the World Health Organization right there.
So to summarize: I’m out on Brazil---anyone who gets off a plane in Rio is a braver person than I am.
By: Ricky Modrzynski