Bloody Mary – I like to consider myself a Bloody purist...even though I just started drinking these beauties this year and already think I know everything about them – don’t I sound like a guy you’d just love to hang out with? Bloodies are in a league of their own in the on-the-course drink department because they can adequately double as your breakfast. You can roll out of bed still half-drunk from the night before (for the ~163rd weekend in a row), hop in your ’94 accord, pull up to your local muni, and absolutely hound a bloody without wasting your time stopping at Micky D’s for that McGriddle.
There’s a big disclaimer here – nothing fires me up more than seeing a toppling pile of who knows what on top of your bloody and then getting charged $25 for it. I could’ve ordered my burger and bloody separately, saved $14, and had a bigger burger! I’m all for a bloody with a nice pickle, cheese, and olive combo – I’ll even let a course get away with shrimp and bacon – but the bill better not look like I just ordered a fancy entrée.
Natty Lites – This guy, this guy likes to party. Odds are you are a muni dweller who utilizes the game of golf as a way to drink before 12pm without being labeled an alcoholic. You have a baker’s dozen of cans stuffed into your bag and you’re planning on crushing them all by the time you round out 18 with a smooth 120. Can not commend Natty enough for their pick-up of Smylie Kaufman and vice versa. Smylie, if you’re reading this, which I’m sure you are, there’s a spot with your name on it in the Swannies Beer Olympics Scramble tournament this summer, can’t wait to see you. P.S. feel free to bring the rest of the 2K17 Spring Break Crew.
Mike’s Hard Lemonade – You’re 17, just raided your parents liquor cabinet and like to confuse a sugar rush with a liquor buzz. I’m not going to dive too deeply into this one ‘cause no matter who you are you just shouldn’t be drinking this garbage.
Pulls from the Bottle – You’re most likely broke and pour any dime you have into greens fees and apparel. I’m not hating at all here, ‘cause I’m riding this boat with you. I’ll buy a $8 handle of nail polish remover if it means I can get one more round in each month. We live in constant fear of the cart girl coming over the hill while we’re mid-pull. The ole’ crouch behind the back of your cart and take a pull is a staple in our golf game. Holes 1-5 I am still working on my buzz, so I play ok. Holes 6-11 I’m in my sweet spot, the irrational confidence of the booze is at an all time high, and I truly believe I can hit that downhill high draw with the wind over the creek but under the tree and get it to chew on the green. Holes 12-18, the wheels have fallen off. The flask of 3 times distilled gasoline is long gone and I am wavering over every shot. Someone get this guy a stretcher, he’s not going to make it.
Cider – I’m torn on this one, I have a buddy who is actually gluten intolerant, and literally cannot drink beer or most liquors. Now don’t get this confused with the new wave sorority girls who confidently say, “I’m gluten intolerant” then go out for a huge night of drinking and drunken street tacos every day that ends in a “y”. They think that avoiding gluten will help forgive them of their sins from their night before. No hunny, I’m sorry, that’s not how that works. That would be like me eating a salad with my greasy pile of garbage burger and thinking it cancels out, which I definitely do. But I digress, if you need to drink cider, drink it, if you’re drinking it ‘cause you like the taste, which is incredible, I’m not going to lie, then you’re going to be on the chopping block for getting roasted.
Mixed Drinks – Absolutely no problem in my book if you’re a Jack and Coke kind of guy. Where the problem lies is if you’re one of those jabronis who has to order some insanely complex drink that results in the cart girl having to run back to the club house to make it. I think it consists of 1 part you’re a jabroni, 2 parts no one actually cares, and 3 parts just please cut it out. If you’re going to order a mixed drink, do everyone a favor and keep it simple.
Gatorade Arctic Ice – You’re the type of guy who’s been 2 over through 5 holes more times than anyone could count and each time you’re adamant that this is your day to break 80. That’s why when the cart girl comes by at the 6th hole you make sure to hydrate properly before plunking a few OB on your way to another 92.
Thanks for tuning in! As always leave your Hot Take below!